Whilst I’m on vacation in the rolling green hills of western MA, some wonderful people have offered to write some guest posts for me. Today my friend Tom (not a beer geek), who writes the fantastically informative book review blog Completely Booked, chronicles a trip to Total Wine and the subsequent beer tasting with his girlfriend Vicki.

To this uninitiated person, the term “craft beer” brings to mind sewing circles and pottery wheel sessions where the participants have dispensed with the formality of the actual craft part and gone straight to the drinking portion of the evening. Unfair I know, but before Vanessa and some other friends jumped whole hog into the craft beer movement, I was completely unaware of its existence. Then when I first encountered it, the experience did not create a seismic shift in my perception of beer. I held firm to family tradition: if you put it in front of me, I’ll drink it, and if it’s good I’ll drink more.

To tell the truth, I view the whole thing with curious amusement, but being one with firsthand insight into the mindset of the obsessive hobbyist, who am I to judge? However, when Vanessa came to me asking if I would do a guest blog, I reconsidered the judging part. Maybe I am the just the naïve, unpretentious soul to give the whole thing a fresh perspective unsullied by hype or insider expectations, or, more accurately, have some fun at both its and my expense.

Having committed to the task at hand, I needed some parameters. I’ve been through the beer aisle at Total Wine and knew if I didn’t develop some criteria for picking and choosing what to review, I’d end up overwhelmed, tucked in a fetal position underneath an endcap. I needed sage advice from an expert, so I called the most experienced spirits enthusiast I know, my Grandfather, who at 91 was alive during prohibition and once told me that his mother used to brew her own beer. I figured he had to have some sense of discernment regarding backyard brew and beer in general. The conversion went thusly.

“Granddad, what specific factors do you consider when choosing what beer you buy?”

“Whether it’s on sale or not.”

“That’s it, nothing else influences your decision?”

“No, beer is beer.”

Disappointing, but not totally surprising considering beer and wine are like water to him, something to wash down dinner after my Grandmother cuts off his martinis.

Back at square one, I decided to go with the rationale most people use in buying wine, with a little variation to suit the subject. I would choose around a six-pack’s worth of beer based on the following:

Critical Acclaim – Something you read or heard was good.

Morbid Curiosity – Something so unusual that you have to try it.

Label – Never underestimate the draw of a cool or clever label.

Whatever is on sale – Granddad’s right, we all have a little tightwad in us. Who hasn’t bought a bottle of two-buck chuck solely because it was cheap, hoping that it would be halfway decent?

So, with my girlfriend Vicki in tow as my much more knowledgeable sounding board, I headed to Total Wine. I had a print-out of Beer Advocate’s “Top 30 beers in the world” with me to cover the “critically acclaimed” category on our agenda. We must have looked lost and aimless in the craft beer aisle, because it wasn’t long before a clerk came up to help us of his own volition. When he spies the pages in my hand he jokingly says, “I see you have a list of things we probably don’t have.” With his help, we do find a few things from the list, but have to drop all the way to #11 as our highest top-rated pick.

We also had some difficulty with the “morbid curiosity” and “label” items on our agenda. I was surprised to find that, other than coffee and berry type brews, there are not that many “offbeat” beers on the shelf. You would think there would be a few more beers that are odd for odds sake in an effort to stand out. I also thought, in an effort to stand out, that there would be more creative labels than we saw- there were not. It seemed that once someone settled on a design they thought worked, at least four or five other beers would do something similar. We had to reach more than I thought we would in both cases.

As we scanned the hundreds of choices before us, we mused on how much of this would technically count as “craft beer”. Even though it’s the craft beer aisle, there’s stuff like Amber Bock and Sam Adams mixed in. I’m sure our choices are probably nothing new to the hardcore beer enthusiasts reading this blog, but we made a concerted effort to avoid anything we knew to be from a major brewery.

So with our selections made, we commence with what Vicki has dubbed “Beerpalooza”.

Selection #1 Narragansett Lager (category – cheapest $1.19 a bottle)

Initial Reaction – I guess my Granddad is right that “beer is beer” when thrift is your primary objective. Narragansett does nothing to distinguish itself from other common lagers like Bud or Michelob. Vicki said it reminded her of a keg party or sports bar beer.

Good – At first we decide that it’s a bit better than the average lager, but when we mull that around a bit we begin to doubt it. Makes me wonder, is this just what lager tastes like? It’s not horrible but doesn’t do much to distinguish itself.

Bad – We don’t finish the bottle. This was the cheapest beer we could find that we didn’t recognize, but I don’t think it’s really a craft beer, rather a regional brewery.

Selection #2 Cave Creek Chili Beer (category – morbid curiosity)

Initial Reaction – The most unusual beer we could find, has an actual chili pepper floating in it. Just the smell knocks us back. Vicki says that my reaction upon sniffing the opened bottle looked like the beer farted in my face. We both wince in disgust when we taste it.

Good – Nothing, other than daring your friends to drink it and gauging their reaction.

Bad - Other than the chili burn, it has no distinct taste. I surmise that this is a way to sell off their dregs. Outside the pleasant refractive influence of the bottle, the chili pepper looks rancid and turd-like. It was worse than we were expecting and we weren’t expecting much. Vicki sums it up by saying that it’s “kind of an abomination”.

Selection #3 Harviestoun Old Engine Oil Black Ale (category – interesting name/label)

Initial Reaction – We picked this one because we found the name amusing and it does live up to it. I’m paraphrasing the movie Spinal Tap as I pour: “How much more black could this be … none more black”.

Good – This was a very pleasant surprise for something we picked solely based on a funny name. Compared to our previous selections, this beer has actual notes and we detect roasted coffee, chocolate, and malt. It’s very smooth and not heavy for such a dark beer and has a nutty sweet after-taste. Makes Vicki crave fried British pub food (v – chips and gravy!) I’m told to say that it has nice lacing in the glass. I don’t know what that means, but it’s supposed to be good. (v – I learned that from you, Vanessa!)

Bad – Becomes sweeter as you drink it, could get cloying after more than one glass.

Selection #4 Stone Arrogant Bastard Ale (category – wild card based on their “challenge”)

Initial Reaction – We couldn’t resist the “challenge” on the label, which states, “This is an aggressive beer. You probably won’t like it. It is doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth”. Nice color, more vibrant than expected. ((v – I actually “ooh”d when it poured – bright glowing reddish amber poured like magic out of a dark bottle promising hair-on-your-chest knockout sludge) The most “pretty” looking beer we sampled. Smells hoppy/piney.

Good – a nicer beer than we were expecting given the build up. Vicki says that the hops/pine notes dominate, but I taste hints of something more flowery and sweet. (v – since I am not a fan of predominant hops notes, I actually find this to be unexpectedly enjoyable and drinkable, but would work better with food for me, to balance the hoppy bite)

Bad – The “challenge” is more that a bit overstated. The beer may be arrogant, but it’s not that much of a bastard. This beer is well-balanced and not that extreme or aggressive. Vicki tells me that Double IPA’s have more of an “in-your-face” hoppy taste. Those looking for extreme hops may be disappointed.

Selection # 5 Ayinger Brewery Celebrator (category – label)

Initial reaction – This was one that the Total Wine clerk highly recommended, but in our quest for some sort of interesting label, we are attracted to the little alcoholic’s charm-bracelet charm hanging from the neck of the bottle. I think it has a stupid name. Celebrator sound like one of those vague pharmaceuticals they advertise on TV. “Take Celebrator if you are exhibiting signs of sobriety.” Initial signs are good. It’s darker than expected and smells complex. (v – I liked the name, label and charm. I took to announcing “Celebrator” randomly in my best pomp and circumstance German voice.)

Good – For a dark beer, it’s very light and smooth. There is no bite or sharpness. It’s sweet and caramel-y for those that like that. Vicki says it tastes like more of a desert beer. (v – on first nose, smells fruity. First sip is in-your-face flavor punch, I actually exclaimed “Wow!”)

Bad – It’s a “quieter” beer, not as distinct as the others. Vicki thinks it’s too sweet. (v – if you like Aventinus, you would like this, I just can’t drink more than a half pint this sweet.) Doesn’t stand out for me. It’s not offensive, but Vicki tells me I’m making little micro-frowns with each sip.

Selection #6 St. Bernardus Abbey Ale ABT 12 (category – Top rated)

Initial Reaction – a little cloudy in the glass but looks nice. First nose smells like apricot.

Good – I guess the ratings must mean something because this is by far the best of the lot. Nice medium body with light notes and a pleasant honey aftertaste. It’s sweet but not overpowering, because it has a nice dryness that offsets the sweetness. It’s the most complex and well-crafted beer we sampled. Vicki says, “It’s brilliant. Very drinkable on its own. Extremely well-balanced; there’s no bite, but it definitely talks. I really enjoyed the experience and would drink this again.” (v – As I drank this, I became aware that the initial light apricot moved into a mid-note of dark honey, with a very light hand on the end note of piney hops. Brilliantly balanced. The at-first unassuming beer revealed itself to be the product of careful and obviously masterful refinement for perfectly-nuanced harmony; no wonder Trappist ales are considered the finest in the world! I am in love with this beer and can’t wait to try more Trappist ales.)

Bad – None. If #11 was this good, I wish we could have found some of the top ten to sample.

Final Verdict

No real surprises, the top-rated was the best, the questionable beers settled to the bottom and everything else fit comfortably in-between. As a craft beer “outsider”, I wasn’t converted (I’m not a huge beer drinker), but Vicki and I had a great time, found a couple beers we really enjoyed, and will probably do this again on occasion. Next time we plan on sticking to the top-rated list.

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Thanks Tom! (& v!!) It’s really great to get a new perspective on the crazy beer geekery! Check out Tom’s blog for some great tips for summer vacation reading; I’m currently enjoying Olen Steinhauer’s The Tourist that he recommended. Very enjoyable summer book fodder!